Taekwon-Do International

Taekwon-Do and Me

4^th Degree Black Belt Essay

 By James Kelley

Everyone’s journey through Taekwon-do – and life – is uniquely his or her own. I remember the day 11 years ago that I came to the school and met Grandmaster Kim. After sitting me down opposite his desk, his first question was, “Why do you want to do Taekwon-do?” This was not a mere inquiry. This was a challenge. He wanted to see if I understood what it meant to give yourself over to a martial art. I gave him some perfunctory reasons-always been interested in martial arts, like the kicks in Taekwon-do, want to get in shape, etc. At that time, though, “why Taekwon-do” was not something I could really answer.

11 years later, I have that answer.

For the first 38 years of my life, I walked the straight and narrow, even though that was never really me. I did well in school, got straight A’s, went to college, got more straight A’s. After college, I moved to New York and started working in publishing. I worked for various companies, moving my way up the corporate ladder, earning more money along the way, acquiring many possessions, eventually buying a home. I met a beautiful woman that, from the outside, would seem like a real “catch” – blond, blue eyes, great figure, vibrant personality. I married her with plans to start a family. This was it. I had built my life. Soon I would have a family, and then my life would be set.

But when you live your life based on how you think it should go instead of truly living it, putting your head, heart and spirit into every moment of your life, sooner or later, you wake up and realize your life isn’t your own.

A year after I got married, I found myself laid off from my job and getting divorced. Either might have been a severe blow. Both should have been devastating. There is no doubt it was hard to go through both these things, especially at the same time, but it was also liberating. I had hated the work I did for years. Marketing was not something I aspired to do, it was something I fell into. And for all appearances of being the great “catch,” my wife was far from it, and the marriage was a disaster from the start.

As my life fell apart last year and into the beginning of this year, I did not often make it to Taekwon-do. I was in so much pain, so caught up in the turmoil of my life, I did not want to be around anyone. But I did keep going, however infrequently. My practice was mediocre at best. It was so bad, so below my capability, so below the level of a 3^rd Degree black belt, that I considered giving it up. I started to believe I didn’t have it in me to train anymore.

Then in July, Grandmaster Kim told me I was eligible to test. In his way, he made it clear that I had put in the time to be eligible, but my technique was not that of a 4^th degree. More than that, my behavior, my practice, was not that of a 4^th degree. Without saying the words, he told me I needed to get my head and my spirit back into my practice.

It was a long overdue wake-up call.

I started to go regularly again. It was hard at first. My technique still was weak, and my head and spirit were not yet in my practice. But I kept going. Eventually I regained much of what I had lost, and I found myself rapidly improving, reaching new levels in my training. As I went through this process, I realized that success in Taekwon-do requires two seemingly opposite things.

The first is understanding that success in Taekwon-do takes time and it takes patience. It takes years to understand the kicks and punches in this martial art because it takes years to truly understand your body and how to move it properly for proper technique and therefore, maximum power. Years of doing a kick will go by. Then one day, it’ll come together in my mind and my muscles. I’ll move better and the kick will become smoother and more powerful, even as I use less effort. You cannot let yourself be frustrated by this process. The end result is not nearly so important as the journey there. What you learn along the way is far more important than the proper technique you find at the end.

The second thing is to always be present in the moment. You cannot understand Taekwon-do and you cannot be successful at it unless you bring your entire heart, mind and spirit into the moment. You cannot be distracted by outside influences, no matter how great they may be. And when you leave those outside influences behind, when you put your entire self into your practice, you feel the difference, both in the moment and afterwards.

These lessons do not apply simply to Taekwon-do. They apply to life in general. You cannot expect to understand life or anything in it in a single day or week or even year. Years and decades can pass before you get even a small understanding. The knowing is not the point. It is the learning, the journey to understanding, that matters.

But in every minute of every day, you need to stay present. You need to focus your entire self on the here and now and let other distractions fade away – in your work, in your relationships, in your Taekwon-do practice, and in everything else you do. When you do, you will be able to handle everything in your life to the best of your ability, and that will be enough. It is only when we fail to do our best that we feel regret or guilt.

In the last few months, I put my head, my heart and my spirit back into my practice. I relearned the lesson of patience. My training improved, my skill improved, and my confidence improved. I found myself letting go of a lot of the pain and guilt I had been feeling over the failure of my marriage. I also let go of my fear.

To be a 4^th degree is to be a master of Taekwon-do. That is not a small thing. To be called a master is to have a responsibility put upon you. You must hold yourself up to an even higher standard than ever before. Your practice must be precise, your technique flawless. Everyone looks up to you, and you have to be worthy of their respect.

For the longest time I did not feel I deserved such respect, not only in Taekwon-do, but in my entire life. I spent 15 years working at jobs I did not like, feeling lucky to have anything, never believing I deserved better. I never felt I deserved my wife, which is one reason why my marriage failed.

I feared putting myself out there. I feared putting myself in a position worthy of respect, because to put yourself out there like that also puts you in a position to fail, to be ridiculed, pitied, or worst of all, dismissed out of hand.

Which brings me back to Grandmaster Kim’s first question. Why do I want to do Taekwon-do?

Because Taekwon-do teaches you patience, it teaches you humility, and above all it teaches you that you must give all that you have, all that you are, to your practice – and your life – or you will never truly succeed, no matter how fast you move or how hard you hit.

I understand these lessons now. And so I am not afraid anymore. I am ready for the challenge. I am ready to be a master of Taekwon-do.

Oct 28 2009 in Choi-Yong, Sam-Il, Student essays, Video, Yoo-Sin by Master James KelleyTags: 4th dan, Choi-Yong, Essay, James Kelley, Sam-Il, Yoo-Sin
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